truth without delusion

almostfinal @ 2009-08-06T14:19:00

2009-08-06T18:18:16Z

I think I'm done with livejournal.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-28T00:07:00

2009-07-28T04:06:35Z

stupid 3 hour accidental nap

almostfinal @ 2009-07-25T01:19:00

2009-07-25T05:18:56Z

WHY IS MY COMPUTER TELLING ME ITUNES IS A TROJAN VIRUS?! WTF!?

almostfinal @ 2009-07-18T23:25:00

2009-07-19T03:24:43Z

Life is hilarious.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-16T23:54:00

2009-07-17T04:04:16Z

I realized the other day I could be sad and distance myself from everyone or I could just deal with it and live.

Yes I miss David. Yes it hurts the last things he said, the last things that happened. But I am going to be fine. I am a strong person. He doesn't want me in NY. And that's the end of that. It was like a slap in the face. The slap I needed. He doesn't want to be in a relationship. Him moving wouldn't have been the only reason for our end. He would have hurt me more if he hadn't moved. We would have stayed together, and eventually he would have come to the conclusion that he's fucked up and he would hurt me. And apparently he and Christina are talking again. So who knows, if he had stayed in NC he might have ended up getting back together with her. And I don't think I could have handled that. Not only would he live across the street from me, and work across the street from me. But he would have mishandled my heart and possibly gone back to the person who made him fucked up in the first place.

Yes. I loved, love still, David. But just because I fell in love with someone and he didn't fall in love with me, doesn't mean I'm not worth it. It doesn't mean I'm not enough. It doesn't mean anything except that he didn't fall in love with me. There was nothing I could have done. We were beyond perfect together, beyond happy, and he didn't fall in love with me. That isn't my fault. So I'm not going to sit here in self pity and wallow in sadness.

I've been a bad friend, I've neglected people because I was happy. I was one of those people I didn't want to be. I hung out with David because I was happy around him. And I made plans with him before anyone else had a chance to make plans with me. I wasn't choosing him over you, really I wasn't. We practically lived together, and talked all day. It was impossible to not already make plans. If we didn't make plans and you called, I didn't turn you down. Or I didn't intend to.

I don't deserve people to forgive my neglect, nor do I expect it. But I am here now. Hopefully if you had needed me, I was there for you. And if I wasn't, I want to make amends however I can.

Now is Katherine time. I'm going to hang out. I'm going to be reckless. I'm going to make friends. I'm going to save friendships. I don't want to feel alone, because when David left I realized what I had done, and how alone I felt with him gone.

I will say this. I've never been into big group hang outs. I'd rather do small groups or one on one hang outs. More comfortable in smaller groups. But get at me. Please. And I'll get at you.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-16T00:57:00

2009-07-16T04:59:49Z

My story isn't unique. It has been told time and again. I'm just a girl who fell in love then had her heart handed back. Time will help. So will friends. I'll move on, and so will he. I'm doing my best to keep hopeful thoughts out of my mind and remind myself its over. It wasn't supposed to be. I'll meet someone else who makes me happy. Someone else I fit with.

I'm stronger than this. I live. I love. I lose. I learn. I grow.

It isn't unique. Its common. Its what we all share.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-14T14:17:00

2009-07-14T18:16:45Z

I feel like shit.

Best/worst trip.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-11T10:55:00

2009-07-11T14:59:03Z

I don't know what I'm doing with myself.

I don't want to bounce from one person to the next. But I don't want to be alone either. And David still lays claim to my heart. I'm just so frustrated with the way my life is turning out. And I don't know how to change it. I am almost 24 years old. I feel like something more should be happening. I wish David and I could have stayed together. I wish I didn't have to come back on Tuesday.

What if I just ran away? Said fuck it and never came back. I wouldn't last very long. Not with my financial situation.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-10T13:07:00

2009-07-10T17:07:15Z

I listen to probably 2% of my music collection. Goddamn that's depressing. Why can't I get back into my music?

I have nothing to do all day. Let's make plans.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-09T19:22:00

2009-07-09T23:22:13Z

My nap after work is proving to linger. I might just sleep all night instead of trying to hang out. Sometimes a girl just needs to sleep.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-07T14:00:00

2009-07-07T18:00:11Z

I feel better and worse today. Maybe I needed that. I'm not sure yet.

All I know is I haven't cried since Sunday. So things are looking better.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-05T18:43:00

2009-07-05T22:52:54Z

I don't know who reads this anymore. It isn't like I post anything worth reading anyway.

I'm not really dealing with David's departure from my life well. The day he left I felt like someone was ripping my insides out. Then for 3 days I just felt numb. Then yesterday, it all came to me. I was sitting alone in my apartment and it all came flooding into me. I let myself feel the pain of loving someone who doesn't love me, who left me in Greensboro, who seems sad but mostly unaffected by this change which has shaken my foundation.

Part of me really doesn't want to go to NY for his birthday. It is going to be last Tuesday all over again when I have to leave. Except this time, I won't have the excuse "well I'll see him again in two weeks, its not that bad". I don't know when I'll see David again once I come home. It is extremely possibly that I won't see him again. I see Mark once a year if I'm lucky, and its for very short periods of time. And 9 times out of 10 when I try and see other people while I'm visiting Mark, schedules don't work and I don't see them.

But I'm going. As much as it will hurt, I want that time with him. The pathetic part of me hopes he'll realize just how much he needs me in his life. He'll realize that what we have isn't worth throwing away simply because his ex is a bitch. I didn't ask him to stay in NC. I wouldn't ask him to move here. But it is insane to uproot myself and move to NY. Especially when I'm in so much debt and I'd be working a bullshit retail job (I could pretty easily from the sounds of it transfer to a Forever 21). The only way it would be possible is if my Grandparents gave me my 10k for graduating college (which I didn't do). And I probably won't get that. It is insane to move to New York when he doesn't even love me. I wouldn't be moving for him, but he'd be a big influence on the decision. I've wanted out of North Carolina for a long time. Sometimes bullshit bad reasons are the catalyst we need. He isn't bullshit nor is he a bad decision. But he doesn't love me.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-02T12:08:00

2009-07-02T16:07:07Z

I am ready to stop feeling sick. Okay. Thanks.

almostfinal @ 2009-07-01T14:58:00

2009-07-01T19:01:19Z

David left. I feel indescribable about it. Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't want to ever have to be put in that situation again.

Samantha couldn't have been more perfect yesterday. She came over and held me as I cried. She let me talk and she let me come to a natural point in conversation where I was ready to talk about other things. We went and got me food. Hung out in center city park and judged people then went over to Ryan's and I think annoyed the shit out of him with how we are together. I loved it. I love her so much. I needed her yesterday and she really came through for me.

almostfinal @ 2009-06-18T22:15:00

2009-06-19T02:14:51Z

Is it too much to expect someone to keep plans when you make them?

This doesn't leave good a impression.

almostfinal @ 2009-06-07T17:21:00

2009-06-07T21:21:01Z

David leaves soon. Too soon for me to handle. I am far beyond not being ready for this. I don't want him to go. Or I want him to take me with him. Ignoring the fact that I don't have the money or a job up there. Ignoring the smart things to do, I don't want this to be the end. It completely hurts. Everywhere. The idea of not being with him hurts, everywhere.

almostfinal @ 2009-05-28T20:22:00

2009-05-29T00:21:59Z

Goddamn. Sigh.

almostfinal @ 2009-05-22T16:15:00

2009-05-22T20:26:21Z

It amazes me how much my mood changes when I get to see people I truly love.

Spending all day yesterday with Lori was perfect. We were stupid, serious, adults, little girls, and fell in love with swedish design (and chocolate cake). I love how effortless our friendship is and that we're both very sure of the people we are, so there aren't any drastic changes that alter our friendship. We're both growing up, differently but in ways that fit perfectly together.

Nick Miller, oh that man. I love him. I can't believe its been over a year since we've gotten to hang out. And a mere 2 hours just doesn't seem fair. We both have jobs and lives and schedules and things come up. It happens. It was so good to see him though.

The next couple months are going to be challenging. I know they are. I have very high hopes to their outcome though. I'm going to move, be heartbroken, and hopefully better myself. If I could freeze time I would, I'd leave things right as they are. Right now. I'm happy, completely happy. And I'm simply not ready to lose David just yet. This last month together is going to be so bitter sweet. I want to spend as much time together as possible, but ultimately every day brings us closer to him moving and going our separate ways.

When that time comes I know I'm going to crawl into a hole and try to die there. And unfortunately the one person I feel like I could count on to help pull me back out, won't be here. He'll be on tour. So I'll just have to tuck my head, take the pain and deal with it on my own. I'll come out the other side fine, I know I will. It'll just be lonely on the other side. And then something will come along, and help fill that loneliness and I'll be just fine.

Really, I just don't want to think about it. But all I can do is think about it. I can't deal with any other trivial bullshit, my mind is occupied enough as it is.

almostfinal @ 2009-04-05T12:44:00

2009-04-05T16:50:25Z

I am stupidly out of shape.

On my ride today I saw Kira, Adam, and Olivia. I did better on my ride last night than I did today. Ugh.

almostfinal @ 2009-04-04T21:05:00

2009-04-05T01:06:27Z

I got on AIM today for the first time in probably two weeks and there isn't a single person on to talk to.

almostfinal @ 2009-03-25T15:44:00

2009-03-25T19:44:15Z

This is a pointless post. Don't read this.

I don't care if Robert Pattinson is smelly, dirty and rarely showers (according to interviewer comments and on set insiders). That's how I like my men. Ha.

almostfinal @ 2009-03-23T23:16:00

2009-03-24T03:15:19Z

I like watching things develop. And watching things come full circle.

I really love some of the people in my life. They make everything worthwhile. The way I make him laugh makes me feel so important. The way she and I think the exact same things reminds me why we love one another. The way he can look at me, and I know exactly what he's feeling and thinking and how much I mean to him fills me up when others leave me empty.

I'm full.

almostfinal @ 2009-03-05T22:29:00

2009-03-06T03:28:46Z

Why do I feel like I'm going to throw up? Ugh.

almostfinal @ 2009-02-26T14:01:00

2009-02-26T19:04:03Z

For all my good qualities I'm a bad friend. I don't put forth the effort I should. And I excuse it because other people don't put forth the effort either. But one of us has to. One of us needs to try if we're going to stay friends. I hate that I've lost my best friend. Because I did. I lost Lindsay 5 months ago. I stopped trying and so did she. We let other things become more important. For me it was being stressed out and people who were readily available. It doesn't make me feel good, at all. I miss her. And I'm afraid we can't go back. I want to try, but at the same time I'm afraid of what Lindsay thinks of me at this point. I don't know how to slip back into easy conversation with her. We haven't talked in months. I miss my best friend. I miss sleep overs and watching Disney movies and riding bikes and eating popsicles.

almostfinal @ 2009-02-20T21:30:00

2009-02-21T02:32:51Z

So today I woke up with a fever. Fun.

Didn't go to work. Laid around all day instead. Trying to drink lots and lots of water to keep hydrated and bring down my fever. David brought me medicine before he went to work. He likes me. Haha. Now I want real food though. No more crackers and peanut butter toast. I can't take it anymore. So David's driving me to the grocery store. I could have gone all day. But I've been off and on sleeping all day.

Sidenote: I look retarded right now. And I'm really not motivated enough, nor have enough energy to care to put "public outing appropriate clothing" on.